Here I am again.. Got a lot to write but do not know how to start.
Yesterday, I felt so empty, just all of sudden, I don't sense God in me. At first, I do not understand why.
I suddenly felt that I longed for Heaven and God. I miss Jesus so much and yet, I couldn't sense Him. I felt so dirty, so filthy, I felt like this world is so full of darkness, that I should leave this place but part of me told me that this is where human like me, so dirty and shameful belongs.
And I think I know how I got this feeling. Yesterday in the church, pastor handed me a booklet about Iran. Basically the whole book is about asking us to pray for Iran's revival. And as I flipped those pages, one particular page moved me quite deeply. I saw a picture of a young guy taking drugs. Injecting heroin into his jugular veins. Another side of the picture showed how he will use a string or rope to tie around his arm so that injecting drugs into his vein will be easier.
I felt so disturbed, almost wanna cry and kept on asking God why them? Why?
They are being eaten away, and the more they crave, the more empty they feel, and the more empty they feel, the cravings will become stronger. And this will go on and on till their souls left them.
I grief for them, and share the same emptiness they feel.
All of sudden, I felt like I am so bless with things that I do not deserve at all. Things are just so not fair here on Earth!

Finally I saw them reunited, and I am so glad. After all, it proves that GOD hears prayers. To the one that I have been praying, thank you for sharing your hurts to me, but I am so relieved and touched after I received your sms yesterday. I will continue to pray for you. After all, true friendship is much more worthy. I believe it is always never too late to forgive someone.

Tomorrow I will be skipping youth service in church again and it shall be a long day for me. Lecture in the morning and posting in the hospital till 9pm. I want to get 2 more holidays for Christmas, therefore I will need to replace the posting hours that will be lost. Can you believe it, all of my end sem holidays is pushed to the Chinese New Year holidays, mainly because most of my classmates want to celebrate it longer. Couldn't blame them, they will need to go back to their hometown. As for me, 1 day for Christmas holiday surely wouldn't be enough for me. That's why I am really grateful that my tutor let a few of us replace those hours earlier.

Anyway, wish everyone a nice weekend! ^^

Finally all class tests were done.
Now only waiting for final semester exam and then I will proceed to the last semester of my course.

Looking at my friends today, I was thinking, after 8 more months, I won't be able to see them everyday again. half of them will be heading to Penang and Singapore. Therefore, I must really treasure them. I am truly glad, that throughout my 2 and a half year here, I do made a lot of friends, in fact, I do not have any conflict to anyone of them. To say that I do have any conflict with any one of them from the beginning will be a lie. I am glad that every conflicts that I encountered were solved, fast. Really fast as I am a very direct person. I do not like to avoid conflict, I prefer to clarify things as soon as possible.

I told one of my classmates that I do not like to work in paediatrics ward, nor nursery. When ask whether I would prefer psychiatric patients, I told her no as well. And she told me, she knew it, because she thinks of me as a very direct person, do not like to beat around the bushes before answering, or to get an answer. I was a bit confused at that moment until she told me that handling kids and mentally ill patients means I need to act like one of them, or be very stern and all this are so not me.
I understand now.
No wonder I am so bad in acting.
No wonder I can't play, "Honey, I love you" game.
No wonder I don't like paeds ward.

Anyway, seeing the conflict that my friend had with her best friends really hurts me. I couldn't understand why. It's just a very small mistake that she had made, why do they not think of how much their friendship worth more than that? Why so cruel? I have tried to confront her friends, one told me she needs time, another told me she is better off without her. And another told me, she can forgive but she can't forget. What utter nonsense!!
Need more time? How much? We will be graduating in less than a year.
I just do not understand, seeing her cry every day, it hurts.

Kolam competiton, Part 2

Sorry for the delay, but I was really busy over the past few days because of some assignments and tests...

Anyway, I am kinda lazy to put words again, so do enjoy those pictures. All the groups have 3 hours to get it all done.

My group..Getting ready... All wearing traditional costumes..

Actually, I really like this group's design

Nice or not, my group's design??

Almost done

Very neat

Going to finish!!

This is the earliest group who finished this, done by our clinical intructors

The final result

I must emphasize this again.. It's my group work. Hehe..

Judges were judging our work..

This group got the third place

This group got second place

And this group is the winner!! (sorry for the low quality image... I also don't understand why..)

Well, that's about it.. I hope you guys enjoy this. ^^

At least we got the fifth place..

Plan to post about kolam competition part 2, but then couldn't upload those pictures..

A lot had happened in this week, and looking at other people, sometimes, I can see myself.
Yesterday I was doing multimedia during the Youth worship session. Looking at the youth praising and worshipping God, I somehow can see their genuine faith towards God. And when I looked at them from behind, I realized, each of them has a special gifting. And I am in no position question God why I have not yet discover mine..

And about what I have told Nic and Ken about being single is not so m uch of a bad thing by quoting Mother Theresa's example, is kinda true actually. I did pray about it actually, and I told God, whatever is His will, let it be done. If I am to stay single, then single be it, because right now, I just want to do His will.
And today, when I sang the third song to God, "To the ends of the earth", I really mean it with all my heart.
I have found my calling long way ago, but I couldn't really accept it, just like how I couldn't accept nursing last time.

Now that I am clear about everything, I guess it's time to stop asking God how and why or doubting myself. He just ask me to go, and that is all I need to do.

And I would give the world to tell Your story,

Because I know that You have called me,

I know that You have called me.

I've lost myself for good within Your promise,

And I won't hide it, I won't hide it.

Jesus I believe in You,

And I would go,

To the ends of the Earth,

To the ends of the Earth,

For You alone are the Son of God,

And all the world will see,

That You are God,

You are God.

-To the ends of the earth by Hillsong-

Kolam competiton, Part 1

Kolam competition was held in our college again! Although the theme this year is a little bit different than the last year's one, the design for all our kolams is almost the same. This year's theme is 1MALAYSIA

Our group name is "Nasi Lemak" I do not know why the Edibo club wants us to name our group using Malaysian cuisine. We have, Jeziyel as our group leader, Joan, Lela, Harmit and myself in this nasi lemak gang.

And well, I will just show pictures here as they will tell the story very clearly for you.

Tools..

We are using coconut pus this year compare to the rice that I used last year. We got this from the wet market for free. All thanks to Jeziyel. ^^

We were actually trying to estimate how much pus we should be using here..

Random picture showing how Harmit and me were mixing the colors and trying to color the coconut pus. It's kinda taxing because we were using poster colors that were really hard, we actually need warm water to dissolve it. But we are glad, because we did not spend on anything at all.

This is how it looked like after coloring.. We need to put it on the papers to dry it up.

Harmit was seen sort of checking out the colors to see if it's well blend, or maybe she was just pondering on something

while Jeziyel did a smarter thing, that is, posing in front of the camera

All of sudden, we got inspiration to pose with our unfinished masterpiece

Another one

Of course, after everything, we ended up with the cleaning of the house..

Last week, I was posted in the hospital bahagia for my psychiatric module. I was kinda lazy at first because I had pack my luggage. Some more have to pack quite a number of things since I will be staying there for almost a week.

Camera is totally prohibited inside the hospital due to the confidentiality of patients. And tell you what, the hospital is really so much different from my imagination! It doesn't look like a hospital at all. In fact, it looks more like a campus or some universities and true enough, a few colleges are situated inside, offering medical line courses. Anyway, the building and those roads here and there remind me of Universiti Malaya.

Because I can't take pictures in the hospital, most of the pictures I post here will be the pictures of the railway station. We actually need to cross the railway to go to that hospital.

We were all placed in a women's area due to safety reason. I was truly confused on the first day. Patients were seen walking aroung freely in their dorm(I called it a dorm rather than ward since they most of them stay there for years or months) or across the corridor area.

I also can hear them screaming and shouting away, those screamings were disturbing to me, and honestly, as calm as I was, I was a little scare. Because I don't understand why they scream, is it because they were happy, elated, or sad or angry. And they will be like, "Hi, missy!! Hello missy!!, Missy, you are very pretty la" A few of them even came near and wanna touch me, smell me or whatever. My friends were holding unto me so tight, just because I was the group leader.... A few of them were just roaming around doing repetitive actions(catatonic schizophrenia) such as rolling of pills, pulling their shirts, and more.

But as I get closer to them, as I began to talk and chat to them, they seems to be pretty normal to me. The staff nurse told me, it is because they took their medications to control their hallucinations. The way they administer medication was of course different from those in the normal ward. The nurse will call them by name one by one and ensure that they really swallow the medications.

I am truly glad that I get a lot of chance to communicate with the patients. I admit yes, I communicate with them according to their flow. I can't possibly speak to them like how I speak to you all. Just like how you will speak to a kid, you will add in some kiddy character in. So I was kinda having a tough time talking to them, because I was afraid, one wrong sentence might cause them to be sensitive and thus, be aggresive. Couldn't blame me, because I have yet any experience by then. A few of them even shown some funny actions which I have never seen before and I don't acknowledge them as foul language sign. Here are the few examples of our conversation:

PT: Missy, how are you ar? Eaten?

Me: Good, I have eaten. You?

PT: Missy, you got money or not?

Me: No wo..

PT: You think I got money or not?

Took quite some time to think what to answer because I was scare I might answer wrongly

Me: Moderate la

PT: You can buy house and car for me ar?

Me: No lo... I also got no money

PT: You no money how you come here??

Me: College paid for me la.. (I was lying)

PT: I see.. But if you no money, how come you can wear earrings wan??

Me: Oh, this earrings ar..... friends give me as a present..

PT: Oh....

Me: Ok la, I need to go already, we speak later ok

PT: Okok

PT: Missy missy, I got story to tell you!

(Pulling my hands)

Me: Yes? What you wanna tell?

PT: I wanna tell you hor, last time when I was 15 that time, got a guy pull me to somewhere and took off my pants and he started to lick my down there..

Me: (Feeling uneasy because she was so direct) I see, how old are you now?

PT: I 45 already..

Me: Well, since it happened so long ago, I hope you can let it go, do not think so much..

PT: (Seems to think for a while).. Ya lo, I know I should, but I just can't seem to forget..

Me: I know I know...

I felt so down and sad at that time, because I just don't understand how she might felt at that time, and how she felt in those 30 years, thinking about the incident over and over again...

Yet another conversation which I couldn't forget. This patient seems to have another imaginary friend which helps her to communicate with others. I saw her reading newspaper and talking to herself, so I just went to her and started a conversation.

Me: Hi, can I know what is your name?

PT: (talking to herself... for 10 seconds), her name

Me: Oh, my name is Rebecca, how long you've been staying here?

PT: (grumble to herself again.. this time I listened what she grumble to herself, or rather, her imaginary friend).. "oh.. She asked me how long I have been staying here.." 2 months lo..

Me: Oh, who are you talking to just now?

PT: (She asked who am I talking to..) He and you lo..

Me: Who is the he?

PT: (She asked who is the he..) Someone lo..

Then she smiled.. I also smiled..

Me: Who?

PT: (She asked who ar..) Someone lo.. Missy, you got boyfriend ar?

Me: Me, no la.. the he is it your boyfriend?

She just nodded and smiled blushingly..

Me: I see.. he always talk to you?

She nodded more shyly this time..

PT: Missy ar, I wanna eat already, I go take food ok..

Me: ok...

 All of sudden, I felt like as if I have been there a long time ago.. Patients starting to talk to me and I more or less get to know why they have gone mentally unsound. Most of them are because of heridatary factor. The nurses there told me, their mothers had been there before, now the daughters and sisters. That is why genetic counselling is vital to those who got family history of mental diseases.

Not only that, most of them were raped before when they were very young. I think God plays a very important role in healing after rape. Not only rape, but other problems as well. Because most can break down easily thinking that it is the end of the world.

 And most of them are very gifted in one way or another. There was this patients who can draw very well, I mean really well, she drew a few potraits of my friends, I can say 85% looked exactly like them especially in her shading skills. She is a very detail person as well. She has bipolar disorder, mania with depression. If she is depress, she will use the nail clipper and cut her toe nails till it bleed.. That is why I can see a lot of scars on her toe... She told me she wants to go back, but no one wants her back home.

I was deeply moved at that time. Why would her own family members wanna disown her just

because she is senile? I felt a little angerness  towards her family members actually but after, I couldn't judge, as I do not know the whole story.

On the third day, I was actually placed in the psycho geriatrics ward. The patients there stayed for years and years already, some even more that 30 years! For me, the are not really mentally unsound, they are more like kids, since they speak like kids and act like one, or forgive me for saying this, more like mentally retard. But I really enjoyed there. I got to listen to them sing, and play games with them. A few of them even dianosed as Alzheimer's disease sufferers.

As the staff nurse Aminah who is working in that ward was explaining in details about psycho geriatric ward to us, I saw a few tear drops rolling from her eyes.

She told us, most of them are fit to go back, but the family members would not want them back. The nurses can't even get to give them a phone call, and no one would come to visit them. It been years and years. Even if they do come and visit, they wouldn't admit that she is their mother and would rather told the nurses that they are their friends or neighbours. But it is obvious that they are their family members. I do not understand why mentally unsound people are being look so down by the society. It's not their fault for being senile. I believe the patients do not wish that all these disease be fall upon them? It's no wonder why SN Aminah cried.

I have never seen such a large cute bag before ^^

Other than that, I also got to play a lot of games with the patients. Games like congkak, which I never touch for ages, snake and ladders and also carom.

Although it was really tiring playing with them since a few of them would really love to play but had no idea at all about how to play... Well, as long as they are happy.

Oh yea, the food in Tanjung Rambutan outside the hospital are really cheap and tasty. There are a lot of shops selling very cheap clothes, shoes and bags. I went for window shopping there. I even bought a jacket from there.. because I did not bring any blanket there, thus, freezing through the night.. Thank God for that RM11.90 jacket.

In that hospital, patients are not only doing routine things like eat, sleep, take medications and that's it. Some patients are fit to work, so they are send to work outside or in the occupational therapy area, like checking gloves, sewing, and also gardening.

I really like the gardening part, because they will have their own market(Pasar Tani) to sell the things that they harvest. I was very busy throughout the posting and I didn't have the chance to buy any of it, but from what I saw from my friends' the fruits and vegetable are very fresh.

The doughnut there, not make by them though, but from some bakery, are the nicest one I've ever taste. It is just a simple doughnut with sugar, but it is so super soft!! Really, the best one! I managed to bought the chocolate mousse cake as well for my family, mom told me it is very nice, and it is not too sweet as well and very light.

On the last day of the posting, we are required to organise a party for them. Although a lot of impromtus here and there, we managed to do a good job. The patients were very happy, especially during the games and the perfomances time. A lot of them wanted to sing and they really sang their hearts out, hearts as in what actually they feel inside. The lyrics were very saddening, and touching. I wonder, is this how they express themself since I couldn't see their real expresion in daily life. It's like a mask covering them. But when they sing, all of sudden, I couldn't see that they are sufferers of mental illness, but a sad person. A lot still need to be told.

By the end of the day, I still do not know, how these people are going to be save. Will they understand a word about Christ? Will they understand about God's grace? But one thing I am sure of is that He really loves them. If all the world do not love them, at least, He loves them.

 I am glad that I went there, truly am. I know, it's God's plan to reveal all these to me, to let me experience this, to remind me how blessed and rich I am, but after all God gives honor to the poor...  

"Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them. And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field." -James 1:9-10

That day, is Mid Autumn festival. And just like the years before that, my family members will gather at my uncle's house. This year, somehow is a little bit different, since Popo is not here.

I still remember I used to cry when my tanglung got burned, and brother will looked at me in pity and let me share his. That time, was also my first time experiencing nose bleed, when I saw few drops of blood on the floor and started to wonder where it came from.

This year celebration although a little mundane, but nevertheless, I still enjoyed it to the very bit

We also celebrated grandpa's birthday on that day. I pray that one day, his heart and mind and eyes will be open to know You, to see Your truth and to experience Your Salvation, I pray that, all these will happens before he has to come to past.

I wonder when grandpa was asked to make a wish, what wishes he had made.
But I believe, that he wished, not for himself but his children and all also grandchildren. That is all his concern contains, his family members who he deeply love and had always long that somehow, they will see him more and speak to him more.

I hope that, when I step into the working world, I will not forget this lonely grandpa of mine. Lonely as in, in his heart. I know you love Popo very much. More than I do.

This week seems to be a really hectic week, it's no wonder that I couldn't update my blog. There is this one thing good about being in Ward doing Clinical Experience, no exams, and very little study. Not much things to be stress on.

Tomorrow morning will be heading to Hospital Bahagia, Tanjung Rambutan for my psychiatric posting. I still couldn't figure out why my tutor apart from putting me in charge of this whole thing, put me also leader in case study for mania, thus, creating more tension in me. But thank God, I manage to delegate most of the things to my other friends, and my partner(there is 2 leaders to in charge of the whole group) is really helpful, and it seems like she did most of the thing. Well, I provide the idea, she helps me to carry it out, should be fair enough right.
The thing is, a lot of things still haven't conform yet, so a lot of impromptus will have to be done there and then.

I will be skipping church tomorrow, wonder what shall I do with my Hip Hop dance thing as I already skipped last week and shall skip again tomorrow.

Wish me all the best. God bless ^^

My friend,
Just wanna let you know that you are not alone. God is there.
I know it is so easy for me to say that God is there for you when you couldn't feel Him, when He seems to be so distant from you, when your prayers seem to be no answer.

But it's time for you to rise up, stand up, and fight against it, not to be defeated and feel defeated, for the battle has already won. And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels. -Ephesians 6:10-12(The Message)

A jug of sour wine was standing by. Someone put a sponge soaked with the wine on a javelin and lifted it to his mouth. After he took the wine, Jesus said, "It's done . . . complete." Bowing his head, he offered up his spirit.- John 19:29-30(The Message)

You will always remain in my prayer, but it is still up to you whether you want to wake up or not.

 So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud NO to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.- James 4:7-10(The Message)

Here, I am not telling you about how spiritually strong I am, I am just as weak as you, and what you are going through now, I couldn't possibly understand as different people will walk a different path, encounter different storm, and experience different turbulence of life, but remember, everybody will still face challenges in life, it's just that how you react unto it.

But I've learn to endure each time I am being put to test, and I hope you too, for God will not test you on the things that you can't handle.
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.- 1 Corinthians 10:13(The Message)